Friendship

The more that I grow as a woman, the more I learn to appreciate and hold dearly my true friendships with women.

At school, I prefered the company of boys - I didnt understand the games that girls played amongst each other and I was often the brunt of girly mocking and teasing. With a flat chest, terrible acne and braces, I wasn't "cool enough" to be in with the girls - nor fanciable to the boys, yes I had a certain feistyness about me that meant I could "get down" with the male members of the school.

In adult life I was still wary of female folk until I joined my womens group - a wonderful cluster of full breasted energy, and slowly I have learned to not only tolerate but also embrace the truly amazing feeling that comes from being amongst women.

Yesterday I found myself in a friends kitchen baking a well deserved chocolate cake with her daughter, Im so grateful to my womens group and the healing they have given me, as without them I would never have been able to allow myself that female frienship let alone be in her kitchen baking with her daughter !

My Sister has a much different experience of women, she healthily engaged with girls at school and as many tussles as she had with them, they still all fought for their friendship, 13 years younger than me, I have been able to watch on with facination, envy and now pride as they still, 4 years on meet and huddle together over half cooked pizzas and cheap wine ! How I yearn and wish that I had had that experience as a young woman, how many times in my life would I have benefitted from having those arms to cradle me ! And how lucky I am that it hasnt completely passed me by. 

And yet, I am left yearning for the feminie in my own household. I am so grateful to the golden kingdom that after 7 years of grueling fertility treatment, I have 2 beautiful boys to raise who fill my soul and heart with every second they are here. Yet I have no daughters to cradle, to watch grow, to bear my grandchildren, to bring clusters of girly friends to sit around my table. There is a loss there, I know.

I don't ignore my yearning, I dont bury it under the carpet, hide it, squash it - instead I allow it to be - sometimes I cry for the daughter I wont have, for the feminie that will not emerge from me. I do this because I know that in being truthful about all this means I can really truly breathe in and respect the times I am with young women and female children, and that when Im in my friends kitchen baking a cake with her daughter, I can treasure that moment and hold it close to my heart.